Because I dont treat my body like a templeif anything, more like a PF Chang’s, or more accurately, the back alley behind a PF Chang’sI try and get my daily dose of health the only way I know how: through drinking the latest fad diet drinks. Ive already told you about how I would gladly become a side-piece to the man who invented Dirty Lemon, aka the drink that lets you drink yourself pretty, but kombucha might be giving him a run for his money.
And if youre sitting there thinking, like, I knew there would be at least one of you. Kombucha is a concoction of bacteria, tea, and sugar that were supposed to pretend is V good for us when really we only love it because it looks good AF in our Instagram photos.
But people are always trying to bring me down by using facts and science as an argument for why I cant just reset my body by taking the easy way out. So because I love proving people wrong (Hi, Mom), I decided I would take it upon myself to get to the bottom of this kombucha discussion. Is it actually good for me or am I just drinking mold for nothing? Here’s what we know:
Apparently aside from being trendy AF kombucha also has alcohol in it. Hmm I knew I tasted something I liked. After all, kombucha is a fermented drink and depending on how long it’s fermented for it can contain between .5 and 3 percent of alcohol, which some are claiming can have long-term adverse side effects on your body. Im convinced that the only reason people are saying this is a bad thing is because the Cady Herons of the world dont want us to have nice things and are trying to tarnish kombuchas good name.
So what youre saying is that we can get low-grade fucked up in public and no one can say shit because were technically drinking tea? And this is a bad thing because?? Tbh if you cant handle .5 to 3 percent of alcohol in your beverage then you shouldn’t be sitting with us in the first place. Thats, like, less than a shot and doesn’t even come close to the amount of Baileys that frequents my coffee most mornings. Grow the fuck up and drink like an adult.
So moving on to the positives (though its still unclear as to what the negatives were here…), the ingredients found in kombucha are actually super good for your skin. Through the natural fermentation process, its naturally enriched with highly beneficial vitamins such as B1, B2, B3, and B12, as well as a ton of repairing acids. Beauty products with kombucha as their main ingredient have been proven to lighten, brighten, smooth, repair, plump, and protect skin. So if youre struggling with, say, uneven skin tone, dark spots, hyperpigmentation and/or sagging skin then its either a really hard Monday or you just got back from Coachella. Either way kombucha enriched beauty products are literally designed to fix those issues. And they say we cant have it all.
So just to recap here, not only will this make me look healthy on my Instagram story, but kombucha will also make me, like, really pretty and I get to drink alcohol in the process? As if I needed one more reason to
flirt with hipsters visit a Whole Foods.